Becky Kopitzke

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Where Is the Off Switch?

February 10, 2014

We went out for pizza, ordered one dessert with two forks, then steered our minivan toward the mall to burn an hour before bedtime. The kids’ bedtime, that is. On date night, my husband and I have a strategy: stay away until the children are snoozing. This is our time. So what did we do?

Shopped for the kids.

Where is the off switch

I wandered through the Target aisles carrying two pairs of size 6X snowpants over my forearm. “Oh, she needs a new pair of gloves, too,” I told my husband, remembering our daughter’s complaints that her fingers were cold at recess. “We should go back to the outerwear section.”

Halfway between cosmetics and the dollar specials I spotted a familiar face. “Hey, friend!” One of my book club chums emerged from the boys’ clothing racks. Her husband stood beside her, and I smiled at them both. “Date night for you, too?”

“Yes!” Her face brightened. “So I see we’re not the only ones who spend it at the mall.”

“Buying snowpants.” I shrugged my shoulders, and the heap of pink nylon rattled in my grasp. “Is that sad?”

She twisted her mouth and held up a hanger—Spiderman pajamas. “You’re not alone.”

We laughed all the way to the checkout.

Some experts say moms and dads shouldn’t talk about their kids on date night. Like parenting is a light switch we can flip on and off at will.

I disagree.

Oh, I understand the reason behind it—parents are a couple first and foremost, and we need to retain common interests beyond our children. Kids and romance make poor bedfellows. Of course.

But good parenting requires good communication. Sometimes, we need to be able to talk about the kids when the kids aren’t around—when we’re free from the pressures, routines and noise of our toy-infested household. Of all the joint pursuits my husband and I share, parenting is certainly among the most important. Why should the topic be off limits just because we’re locking eyes across a restaurant table? Maybe that’s finally a good time to express our hearts—to hash out questions, insecurities and hopes, and to laugh about this beautiful, hectic life in ways we can’t when the kids are running circles around our sofa.

“Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift? The fruit of the womb his generous legacy? Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows are the children of a vigorous youth. Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children! Your enemies don’t stand a chance against you; you’ll sweep them right off your doorstep,” (Psalm 127:3–5, MSG).

My husband and I chose to have a family because we believed it would enrich our relationship, and it has, beyond measure. Therefore I won’t apologize for celebrating that even on date night. Especially on date night.

So go out and buy those Spiderman pajamas if you must. And let’s stop building rules around what date night is supposed to look like. The time will come soon enough when our kids are grown and gone, and then every night will be date night once again. Until someday, when we’re wrinkled and gray, and our children will talk about us on their own date nights. As in—we really should go to the mall for an hour so Grandma can put the kids to bed.

* * * * * * * *

If this post encouraged you, please share it. You might also like Why I Date My Husband, He Thinks He’s Being Helpful, and How to Marry Your Husband All Over Again.

Linking up with: Playdates With God, Titus 2sdays, Wedded Wednesday, Wifey Wednesday, Grace at Home, Thriving Thursdays, Thrive at Home Thursday, and Things I Can’t Say.

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Filed Under: Marriage, Parenting, Raising Young Kids, School Years Tagged With: christian marriage, christian parenting, date night, devotion, devotional, faith, family, marriage, mom guilt, motherhood, parenting

Comments

  1. Kendra Burrows says

    February 11, 2014 at 3:20 am

    I love your heart, Becky! I’m starting to realize that the conversation will always turn to the kids. Our oldest recently moved out and is preparing to be married soon. Then there will be grandchildren (not yet!!) and who knows what we’ll be wondering and worrying about. When my grandpap was in his late-80s he related to me his on-going concern for his daughter (my mom); he had outlived two wives but was still worried about his kiddos. It makes me smile! 😉 Blessings!

    • Becky says

      February 12, 2014 at 9:20 am

      We’ll always be moms, won’t we, Kendra? I count that a tremendous blessing. 🙂

  2. Lisa Littlewood says

    February 11, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    Ahhh yes. I can relate! We usually end up in Target by the end of our date nights!! Shopping for kids socks and underwear and gifts for upcoming birthday parties! I completely agree, we usually need the time to talk about the kids without the kids around!! Great post!

    • Becky says

      February 12, 2014 at 9:21 am

      Gifts for upcoming birthday parties, yes, Lisa! We do that, too! So funny. Great to see you here!

  3. Kimberly says

    February 12, 2014 at 9:49 am

    So I shouldn’t tell you that we took a week vacation to Mexico without our son…
    Kidding.
    No we did.
    We did talk about things like “I wonder what he’s doing” and “Did you see how awesome he skated during the hockey game” but to be truthful, I do believe that we as parents do need to foster our relationship sans mentioning kids sometimes.
    I’m not saying that you should ignore them completely when you’re together as a couple. They are our most important part in our life, how could we not think of them : ) .

    • Becky says

      February 12, 2014 at 9:56 am

      Good for you, Kimberly! We go away for overnights without the kiddos, too. It’s soooo helpful for rekindling the friendship/relationship/romance. And yet I don’t make any promises to myself that I’m not going to talk about the kids while we’re away. They’re one of our favorite shared interests, and when we’re away from them, we seem to develop a renewed appreciation for the little things we love about them. Time away is great. Reuniting with the kiddos is sweet, too.

  4. Beth says

    February 12, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Been there, done that! It truly is hard to “turn off” what is coarsing through our veins 24/7! I agree that we shouldn’t have hard and fast rules about this, Becky. The only time I think it becomes a problem is when that’s ALL we talk about or, worse, it spurs an argument! Been there, done both of those too!

    Oh, and I’m so glad you and you hubby made time for just the two of you! That’s a must for surviving those tot/school years in tact as a couple. Hugs to you, my friend!

    • Becky says

      February 12, 2014 at 10:02 am

      I completely agree, Beth. Fortunately my hubs and I have plenty to talk about that doesn’t involve the kids, and I can see your point that it’s unhealthy to have no other shared interests beyond parenting. And yes, I’ve been known to fall into a snit with my husband on date night… I learn as I go. But overall I think life has enough rules, so I’m trying to create fewer irrelevant boundaries for my personal behavior and live instead within the vast possibilities of grace. Besides, shopping at Target is actually enjoyable when there’s nobody pulling my pant leg and begging for gummy bears. 🙂 Hugs back to you!

  5. Amber says

    February 12, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    Yup, when my husband and I get a date night we still discuss the kids. And sometimes end up at Target shopping for them, ha. My husband likes to buy them Legos. He says it’s for them but sometimes it’s probably mostly for him…

  6. Shell says

    February 13, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    Date night is all about what you make of it. To me, the best date nights are where my husband and I get to really talk and enjoy each other’s company. That might include talking about the kids or running an errand just the two of us, but it’s still a date night!

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If you love your kids but you sometimes forget to feed them lunch, if you're crazy about your husband but some days you want to set his hunting gear on fire, and if you adore Jesus with your whole heart yet you mess up time and time again, then you and I are friends already.

We need each other. I'm so glad you're here.

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