I realized something big last week. I often expect my husband to be me.
Me, as in, a substitute mom of sorts—a stand-in to handle the parts of my job that I just don’t feel like doing. Because he doesn’t have enough responsibilities stacked on his Husband / Father / Provider / Handyman / Garbage-Taker-Outer plate, right?
You can imagine how well this goes over.
It all started around midnight on Friday when our five-year-old bolted awake, scampered into our room, tapped me on the shoulder, and informed me she had to throw up. And she did—through the wee hours of the morning until sunrise, just about the time her little sister called from the crib demanding milk and Teddy Grahams.
Of course I camped on the family room floor beside my beloved sick one through every heave and sniffle. Moms are on alert for these moments, no questions asked. I kept watch just inches from her rosebud face, studying her eyelashes fluttering in the nightlight glow.
But when the storm quelled and daylight peeked through the windows, fatigue took over. I felt like someone dripped Tabasco sauce in my eyes and stuffed my brain with Jell-O. How was I going to face an entire day of doctoring and toddler-chasing alone? Surely my husband ought to help. We’re co-parents, after all. Isn’t this in the job description? Stay home from work to cover for your wife who was up all night with a vomiting child. It’s in the addendum somewhere, I think.
Yet my knight in pajama armor hit the shower and put on his office shoes. “Are you going to work?” I asked.
“Yes.” Dumb question?
I let my thoughts escape past my tongue. “I don’t know how I’m going to manage today.”
Can you believe he didn’t say anything in reply? He just kissed us all goodbye and drove away. The nerve!
I stewed. I felt sorry for myself. I played the wrong tapes in my head. How could he leave me here? Why do I have to be the one to function on fumes? I’ll bet he’s sipping coffee and chatting with co-workers while I scrub barf pails and run after a naked two-year-old.
And then I caught a hand-slap from the Holy Spirit. After a few minutes of pouting, I realized I was wrong. My husband goes to work so I can stay home. Monday through Friday until dinnertime, his job is at the office and mine is here. That’s our equal parenting deal. Sure, we’re flexible depending on the circumstances. But as a general rule, I shouldn’t pass the buck when my job gets tough. It’s still my job.
Let’s look at this from my husband’s side of the bargain. He doesn’t ask me to fill his seat in the conference room at high-stress meetings. He doesn’t even ask me to mow the lawn, which could technically be considered a shared household duty. We each need to take responsibility for the roles we agreed upon.
On Friday, that meant praying for a dose of supernatural energy to get through the day—and calling my husband to apologize. After all, the poor guy was just as tired as I was. Mom isn’t the only one on call at midnight. Daddy came to the rescue, too.
The root of this issue runs deeper than a tummy bug. I dug down and admitted that when I signed on to be a mom, I envisioned the fun stuff. The snuggling-with-baby, stroller walks through the park kind of joy-filled mommy theory that, in real life, comprises only a part of the job. Stomach flu isn’t an unfortunate blip in parenting. Stomach flu is parenting.
Maybe motherhood looks different than you dreamed. There are sick days, hard days, strong wills, special needs. Sometimes the challenges are all we can see. But the job is still worth doing. God did not make a mistake when he planted your child in your arms. He knew what he was asking of you. And he knows what you’re capable of. So rather than cherry-picking which parts of motherhood I want to face, I ought to seek His face—praying for the wisdom to do all parts well, with love, patience, courage, and perseverance.
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,” (Romans 5:3–4, ESV).
Yes, Friday was a long day. At the end of it, during bedtime prayers with our daughter, I received my paycheck for the week. “Dear Lord,” my husband prayed, “Thank you that Mom could be home with the girls today. And thank you for giving her the strength to get through the day.”
Awww, he noticed. I am blessed—barf pails and all.
If this post encouraged you, please pass it on. You might also like Love Is Not Easily Angered, Achoo! Bless You, Family First, and Taste of Candy Land.
Thanks, I needed this! Your morning could be describing many in my household. I love being a stay at home mom, but sometimes resent the amount of freedom (and shorter hours! lol) hubby has with his job of forest ranger verses the 24/7 job of being mommy. But, I’m really working on focusing on the things he DOES for us (which is a lot…similar to your hubby), and not on the things I wish he would do.
Me, too, Crystal! And I remind myself of the many times my husband wishes he could be home to play in the sandbox and push swings instead of working hard at the office. Each job has its ups and downs! Thanks for stopping by today!
Stopping by from the Better Mom. I really like this quote: “God did not make a mistake when he planted your child in your arms. He knew what he was asking of you. And he knows what you’re capable of.”
I love that God’s grace helps us on those hard days; they’re also when I most grow spiritually:)
And when we’re looking closely enough, we see the grace abound on the good days, too, right? Every kind of day just turns out better when I put my focus in the right place. So glad you shared a few minutes here today!
Visiting from The Better Mom Link Up. Wonderful reminder that God is our strength through the toughest days as moms. As wives, it is so important for us to take responsibility for our role and let our husband do the same in his role. If both parties are tending to “their own business”, so to speak, the household will run much smoother.
~ Alana {www.domesticblissdiaries.com}
Thank you, Alana! I pray often for that supernatural energy… and he comes through every time!
I relate to this so much. Our problem, I think, is that my husband and I are still grappling with our roles. (Well, maybe he’s got them figured out, but I’m still grappling!) Since currently his time at work is much longer than an average workday, we’re both “on duty” at our respective jobs for a lot of hours per week. But it kind of FEELS like we should be sharing more of the at-home duties, when really, that is probably just not possible right now. You’d think I’d be better at accepting that after almost four years! Oh well, I think I’m getting close. Thanks for this post; your timing couldn’t have been better!
And thank you for your Role Reversal post, which I just read today. I could relate to that one very well, too!
Just came across your blog and love it! This post is amazing!
Great reminder! We are so blessed to have men who take on the job of providing so this we can stay home! It is an honor I often take for granted!
This is so great! Oh, how I’ve been there and thought those exact same things. It is true that we are blessed to be able to stay home with our children, and in doing so, the job is sometimes difficult or rough. But it’s so worth it. Thank you for such a beautiful reminder that in marriage, we each have our agreed upon roles and that’s what helps keep peace, teamwork, and a stable foundation for our children.
This brings a tear to my eye! So true Becky! Great job!
Such a sweet comment from my keeper of the tissues!
oh, this was oh-so-sweet. though, for the most part, those specific kinds of days are over (i.e. they take themselves to puke in the bathroom!), i still have days of utter exhaustion. and it is very tempting to start the blame game! it’s beautiful to see how God brings us back around to our rightful thinking, though, if we are tender to His voice.
so glad your man was thoughtful enough to voice just what you needed to hear in those nighttime prayers.
blessings to you in this stage of life!
steph
Thank you, Steph! I love hearing from been-there, done-that moms!
I’ve thought a lot about your post this week. I decided that instead of wondering why my husband doesn’t help me with my job more often, that I’d start doing some of his jobs around the home from time to time. Tonight I took out the garbage and put it on the curb so he could relax a little more. He was pleasantly surprised 🙂
Thank you for sharing that! It blesses me to know you put this post into action. I think small acts of love and selflessness can make a big impact on our marriages. I just might take the garbage out next week, too!
God led me here for a reason today…… I had a fight with my husband and our 5 year old boy threw a full-on, hour long tantrum at the supermarket…… I came home feeling utterly exhausted and despondant…. thank you for the reminder that God gave me these children and He will give me the ability to care for them.