She tucked a lock of chestnut hair behind her ear, listening intently while she bounced a good-natured baby on her lap. This fellow mom and I met three weeks ago in the sportsplex where our daughters take the same ballet class. For 45 minutes on Monday nights, we chat about meal plans and bedtime routines and toy organizing projects. She is gentle and kind. I like her.
I want her to like me, too.
From the corners of our eyes we monitored our younger ones running through the gym. Her two boys chased my four-year-old daughter from one basketball hoop to another, shrieking and panting in a jagged game of tag. Suddenly my daughter dodged the fun and ran up to me, pouting.
“What’s wrong, sweets?” I turned my face toward her and reached to stroke her arms. The boys caught up and stood beside us.
“I want you to play hide and seek with me, Mommy.” She stuck her thumb in her mouth, a clear sign she was tired.
“Well, it’s a big open space so there aren’t many places to hide. Why don’t you play catch with your friends instead?”
“No!” She stomped her foot and scowled. “I don’t WANT to play with them anymore. They’re ANNOYING!”
Whahh?!?!?! By sheer reflex—I let out a horrified gasp. Then I grabbed my precious angel and sped to the opposite side of the bleachers for a little pep talk.
“We do NOT insult our friends, especially right in front of them—and their MOTHER!” I hissed in her ear. “That is not nice!”
“Hmph!” She popped her thumb back in its socket and buried her head in my shoulder.
“Look. I know you skipped a nap today, so you’re tired and cranky. But that is no excuse. Tell your friends you’re sorry.”
We locked eyes until she blinked. I marched her back to the bench where the “annoying” kids sat beside their mom.
“What do you say to your friends?” I nudged my daughter. She clutched her elbows and loosened the thumb from her mouth.
“I’m sorry for hurting your feelings,” she whispered.
“It’s ok!” The boys chimed in unison. Of course. Their mother taught them to be gracious. Apparently that’s more than I can say for myself. I turned to my new mom friend and frowned.
“I am so sorry. We’re working on playing well with others.”
She waved her hand, dismissing my apology. “Oh, pfff, don’t even worry about it. I understand.”
Do you? I wanted to beg. Do you really? Because your kids look like a couple of happy Smurfs compared to my Gargamel. And now I’m afraid you will think of me as THAT mom—the one with rude kids.
I know very well how moms avoid other moms with rude kids.
Like the child who bit my child in Sunday school, for example. His mom should control her son.
Or that boy who can’t sit still in class and disrupts my daughter while she’s taking a spelling test. Hasn’t his mother ever taught him manners?
And of course there’s the kid who sneezed all over the party bowl of popcorn and kept on eating it. Where is her mother? Apparently nobody else wanted any popcorn tonight. Ewww.
Do you see how easy it can be to judge another woman? Until we’re the one in need of grace.
“Do to others as you would have them do to you,” (Luke 6:31).
I was mortified to hear my child hurl insults at innocent friends, yes—but not so much because it made her look obnoxious or even because it hurt somebody else. The ugly truth is I was more concerned about what my daughter’s behavior said about me.
If she is unkind, then I have failed at teaching her kindness.
If she is defiant, then I’m terrible at training her to obey.
If she picks her nose, then I’ve obviously neglected to point out why she shouldn’t.
As if every poor choice my children make is somehow evidence against my good parenting skills.
Oh really now.
Consider God. He is the Perfect Parent, and yet his kids messed up pretty bad in the Garden of Eden.
Did that change who he was? Did their misbehavior somehow render God less good, kind or wise?
Of course not.
But it did unleash his master plan of grace.
So next time that child acts up—your child or anybody else’s—here’s a novel idea. Try following God’s plan. Let’s all extend some grace to the naughty kid and her poor, exhausted mother.
When ballet class ended, I shuffled my girls into our van and headed home. At the first stoplight, my four-year-old piped up from the back seat.
“Mom, what does ‘annoying’ mean?”
Uhhhh. “Sweetheart, you don’t know?”
“No, Momma. What does it mean?”
“It means someone is bothering you. It’s not a nice word.”
“Ohhh.” She thought for a moment. “I’m really sorry I said that to those boys.”
{Sigh . . .} Me, too, darlin’.
So much for those “good mom” efforts like virtues training and Godly discipline. Looks like I need to start with vocabulary lessons.
Blessings,
Becky
Awww, Becky. Funny story, but you could NEVER be THAT mom!
Ha ha – if only that were true, Jeanne. 🙂
Now that we are in the teen years, this advice is an entirely different animal. It feels even harder for me to separate out my parenting and their individuality. Shouldn’t they know better by now? After all these years of teaching? I’m thankful for the grace of others during this season. And prayers too 🙂
Grace in every season – that’s the lifelong journey, isn’t it, Laura? Your perspective from a few steps down the road is always a blessing to me.
The giving and receiving of grace is such an important lesson in life. This is a big hurdle in all areas of life but for certain it’s brought into light on a regular basis in the act of parenting. May we all learn to trust God when we are tempted to judge and when we are tempted to feel like a complete failure.
Megan
Yes, Megan, I agree – parenting brings to light many heart issues. I have to believe God designed it that way.
Parenthood is such a huge lesson in perspective. We think we’d never…until we’re in those shoes, and then we do. I’ve been there so many times. Definitely a good lesson about grace…and for trying to show it to all, not only just other moms.
So true, Holli. If there’s anything all people need, it’s grace.
Oh I love this. We all find ourselves on both sides so often, don’t we? Judging others and feeling judged ourselves. Our children are their own people though and we do the best we can but can’t be everywhere all the time. Thank you for reminding us to show each other some grace.
It’s a humbling lesson, Tricia, but I’m just so grateful God offers us grace first, so that we are free to give it to other people.
We all need to learn grace so we can teach grace. We can teach more effectively when our children see us extend grace too. Thanks for sharing.
Yes, to be the example for our children – that’s the beauty of the faith-filled life, full of bumps as it may be.
I really enjoyed this. I needed to read this right now because I often feel judged by other mothers and then realized that I judge too. This was an eye opener. Thank you.
Thank you for reading, Leighann! I think we all find ourselves on both sides, depending on the situation. I’m more and more aware of how each woman is unique and loved by God, so I want to extend that same love to others. Blessings to you today!
Yes, people are too quick to judge based on one moment when your child isn’t having it, and it bugs me sometimes. But yes, it’s also hard not to judge yourself. We walk a fine line between knowing that we’re teaching them right and wondering if any of it is getting thru, aren’t we?! Haha. Great post!
Fine line indeed, Vi! Well said. Blessings!
I’ve been on the side of “that mom” so many times. Especially when one of my boys was younger and we were still figuring out how to help his behaviors. I tried, I stayed on top of him, I disciplined, I did everything I could and sometimes he still annoyed others. We’ve hit a point now where he’s improved so much.
So when I’m on the other side of it, grace is my gut reaction. I know that the other mom is feeling awful in the moment and that she doesn’t want her child to act like that and that my judgment would only make things worse and not solve anything.
My husband has said that I might even be too graceful and there are sometimes that I shouldn’t be so forgiving. Ha!
Of course, I have my moments(like a third grader beating up a kindergartener while the mom stands there and does nothing) and my kids all have their moments(they’re kids and none of us is perfect).
I love that grace is your gut reaction, Shell. Too graceful? Not a bad characteristic to own. 🙂
Too funny! How wonderful it is that you are not only blogging, not only encouraging all of us, Becky, but you are keeping a written record of all the beautiful truths and meaningful moments of you and your daughter’s days. I’m sure that God will compel you (if He hasn’t already) to write a book with all these lovely stories! You encourage all of us moms–even the ones who are closer to grandparenting than parenting! 🙂
Ah, a book. Someday, Beth, if God opens the doors. 🙂 Hugs to you!
I can’t tell you how many times I have been “that mom”. My 1st husband died when our kids were very young, so I was always afraid that people were judging me for having unruly kids, assuming that I was that “unmarried mom” who had “bad kids” and no dad in the picture. I has definitely helped me to pause before placing judgement on others.
Kristin, I can’t imagine how other people’s perceptions added to your heartache. You’ve given me even more incentive to make grace my first response. Thank you for sharing!
Hi, Becky! Spot on, yet again! I’m still waiting for that book of mom devos you’re going to publish one day 🙂 I appreciate you linking up to Thriving Thursdays. I am always blessed by your posts. I am definitely one who feels that my kids’ behavior is a direct reflection on me and I’ve been guilty of making those assumptions toward other mothers before as well. Even though I KNOW that I tell my child to say please/thank you every time, and that we model that…yet he STILL doesn’t say it! It’s all a part of the comparison game in a way I think.
Anyway, a great reminder.
Hi, Crystal! Yes, the comparison game. Unhealthy on so many levels, right? As soon as you tell me how you survived the book writing process, I will find more courage for my own. 🙂 It’s always a blessing to hear from you!
Becky, you can probably imagine that I was thinking “What??” when I clicked over to this post. Boy, am I glad I clicked over! You hit the nail on the head once again, with gentleness and grace.
Thank you so much for joining Grace at Home. I’m featuring you this week!
Oh how I wish I would have had your blog to read when I was a young mom!