She tacked it to the end of her story, like an apology. “I know I need to keep this all in perspective. It’s really not that bad.”
Not that bad. A lovely woman in my Bible study had just finished updating us on her home remodel horror story. After several months and thousands of dollars spent gutting and replacing every inch of her kitchen, a plumbing leak destroyed the whole thing and now it has to be entirely redone. She’s been living with deafening industrial dryers and packing her kids to stay at a hotel meanwhile.
A little stressful, maybe? Uh, yeah. But good Christian women are taught to have this “perspective” thing, which prevents us from fully acknowledging our heartache.
It comes out in phrases like this.
But things could’ve been much worse.
Other people have bigger problems than mine.
I know I’m blessed. So I shouldn’t complain.
Yes, yes that’s true. The Bible does say “do everything without complaining” (Philippians 2:14), so you have no right to do that.
But you do have a right to speak truth. And sometimes the truth is we feel frustrated, mad, disappointed, or hurt.
God made us emotional beings, did he not? He designed us to feel.
Of course I’m not saying “trust your feelings” because “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9). In fact, we’re called not to indulge the heart but to guard it. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23).
But how? How do we guard something that is by nature a wild beast?
We don’t.
God does.
We just have to give him the key.
That means opening our heart-gates wide to the Lord, allowing him into every nook and cranny so he can examine, console, heal and restore. This is not a process reserved just for the “big problems” in life. It’s a daily surrender.
And it requires vulnerable conversations with the Lord.
“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. . . . Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Psalm 51:6, 10).
God desires truth in the inner parts, the heart. Consider maybe he allows some trials in our lives not so we would “perspective” them away, but so we would acknowledge the truth of the hurt or frustration. So we would feel it deeply enough to bring it to him.
What if we looked at our trials—big or small—as an invitation from God. He wants to hear from us. Are you going to talk?
Oh, that’s right. There’s nothing to talk about. Because you’re fine. You’re blessed. No complaints here.
Uh-huh.
God deserves more than a surface relationship with us. So do our close friends and sisters in Christ. If we brush authentic heartache under the rug and convince ourselves we’re not really bothered because we’re not “supposed” to be, we have cheated God of his divine right to fellowship with us, and we’ve lost an opportunity to connect on a deeper level with fellow believers.
So your beautiful new kitchen just caved in? Your kids have been throwing up all week? Your stylist turned your hair pink? Dang, girl. Do the ugly cry if you have to. God can take it. Your friends will hand you tissues. And yes, you are blessed, and God knows you know it. You’re mighty grateful for all the things going right in your life. You should be.
Just don’t let your gratitude suppress your honesty. That’s not being holy. That’s called denial—which is really a fancy word for lying.
When my friend’s kitchen is restored and the stress of it all is a distant memory, I’m sure we’ll sit around her countertop laughing about it. But not yet. Right now is a chance to walk that strange line between blessings and trials, gratitude and grief. It’s a lifelong tug-of-war, really. The more we learn to embrace both the joy and the sorrow, the closer we’ll grow to the God who grants us both. And to know God, well—that is by far the greatest blessing of all.
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).
Blessings,
Becky
This is very well said–and needed! Thank you for speaking the truth clearly. You’re right that we need to be honest both with God and with each other. Tagging on the contentment line may make some heads nod, but being vulnerable is what will bring healing. I’ll be sharing this, for sure. 🙂
Thank you so much for reading and sharing, Malia. I hope together we can encourage more women to be honest with God and each other! Blessings!
Yes, God knows our hearts anyway, so we might as well be honest with him as well as with ourselves. I try to maintain a grateful heart, but there are some things I’m just not grateful about. I trust God understands. He didn’t say be grateful FOR all circumstances, but in them. We’re all in process; let’s keep it real. Thanks for this, Becky!
Let’s keep it real, amen, Lisa! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I agree that there is a difference between speaking the truth and complaining. I literally said that to my husband today.Today was an emotional day for me. Truly I know that it could be worse or there are others going through worse. But that doesn’t make my own feelings of frustration go away. I am an emotional being. Thank you for showing me to use this time to grow in a more intimate relationship with God.
When we can see our heartache as an opportunity, that invites healing, right? It’s just so much easier said than done. Thank you for visiting and for sharing your heart here today, Latisha!
Hey Becky!
Let’s hug! haha, because you took the words right out of my mouth. This was on my heart and mind today and then I found you over at Laura’s. You know God has told me tenderly “dont pretend, I can handle what you feel, just tell me.” Sometimes I am not okay, sometimes I am not perfect, I want to throw in the towel and just cry and it’s okay. I have a friend who I often want to reach out to when I am going through a hard time, but everytime I do I just get told – God is on the throne, we trust, you must trust etc etctetctctc. It has created such a barrier for me, I dont want that in my life. I just want someone to say – hey girl, its hard, it just is. So thank you for this space – because it’s hard and God knows and it just is and it will get better but for now, it is! Blessings ALiyaH
(www.setapartwarrior.blogspot.com)
Big hug, Aliyah! I get what you’re saying… our friends, too, are trained to “encourage” us with “perspective” when maybe all we really need at the moment is validation – that yes, this is really tough, I get it, I feel your pain. And THEN we can move on to the perspective part. Thanks so much for stopping in today! It’s always fun to “meet” another Laura Boggess fan. 😉
Thanks Becky! You were part of my journey today and I am really thankful! Bless ya :)))
Excellent post, and it addresses an issue in my own life.
My wife always prefaces what she says, when it’s a complaint about how she’s feeling, or work, or whatever, with “Well, compared to YOU I shouldn’t complain…”
Yes, I’m sick, and yes, I’m dying, but that doesn’t mean that I’m somehow a figurehead of Grace While Suffering. I’m dealing with stuff because I HAVE to. You think I’d puke blood every day by choice?
Hurt is individual, and it’s seen through the lens of our own lives, our own experiences. Comparison is meaningless, and actually wrong; it demeans the person doing the comparing, and the person “compared to” becomes something less than human…a symbol, an icon, an example. But not me.
So true, Becky! The Bible also tells us in Prov. 25:20 not to “sing songs to troubled heart” and we also have Jesus as an example of showing true sorrowful emotions when he wept at Lazarus’ grave–knowing that in just a moment he would be raising Lazarus from the dead, I might add! I think grieving is such an important part of how God has wired us. After all, he grieves when we sin! I think Paul’s words to “rejoice always” comes with the idea, as you’ve said so eloquently and wisely here, “So we would feel it deeply enough to bring it to him.” Amazing post, my friend! I’ll be sharing!
Such great support from scripture you’ve shared here, Beth. Love it! Jesus wept… yes, I cling to that sometimes. Thank you for reading and sharing!
YES! I just posted about something on facebook last night and ended it with “Telling someone they can’t complain because someone has it worse than them is like telling someone they can’t be happy because there’s someone somewhere that has it better than they do.”
Ha! Great point, my friend.
Wow, I really needed this! I’ve struggled a lot over the past several years but I seem to have it in my head that I shouldn’t be struggling because someone else has it worse and in the grand scheme of things my situation could be a lot worse too. However, I am realizing (with the help of a biblical counselor) that I won’t be able to really deal with it if I don’t allow myself to genuinely process it for what it is and quit holding back the emotions that go along with it. Your post really drove this home for me in a way that I have never thought of before. I have a new motivation to work on letting go of the guilt associated with my struggles so thank you!
Thank you for sharing this, Ashley, you’ve blessed me! I can only speak from places I’ve dwelled, so I can relate to your struggle. Let’s both lean in closer to God, amen?
learning to be grateful has been very helpful for me, but I see where you are coming from. I guess balance is the word that comes to mind
Definitely, Crystal – a heart of genuine gratitude is the goal. It’s the “genuine” part that makes a difference. 😉