My mom has a saying—put a little love in your voice. It’s her advice to my sisters and me when she hears us crabbing at our kids.
If only she could be in my house at 7:30 every morning to remind me.
“Are you done with your breakfast? It’s time to brush your teeth! Hurry or we’ll be late for school.”
Imagine those words poured sweet as syrup from a momma’s lips. The inner dialog sings, Sweetie pie, did you get your fill of pancakes? My heart aches to think of you hungry at recess time. Off you go now to brush-a-brush those pearly whites! I want to make sure you have plenty of time to hang your backpack and change out of your snow boots before the bell rings. Love you!
If it were anybody else talking to my child, that’s the tone of voice I’d want to hear.
Why, then, do I often sound like this?
Are you STILL poking at your breakfast? Look at the clock, for crying out loud! Hightail it to the sink and brush your teeth NOW! Don’t make me drive like a wailing fire truck to get your lazy bottom to school on time! Move!
Yikes. Do you see? The trouble isn’t necessarily what we say. It’s how we say it.
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger,” (Proverbs 15:1).
Oh, how many emotional disasters could be averted in my home if I’d just put a little love in my voice. Surely I’ve figured out by now that impatience is counterproductive. When I bark at my kids, they tune me out at best. Sometimes they strike back. Worst, on rare but awful occasions, they cry. Then I grovel in the driver’s seat all the way to school, wishing for a do-over.
So I took my mom’s advice. Last week, whenever frustration bubbled within me and threatened to spurt, I blew the air from my lungs and spoke gently instead.
“No, you cannot have a lollipop for breakfast.”
Not: Are you serious? You just woke up two minutes ago and already you’re begging for sugar? What is WRONG with you?
But rather: Oh, you’re so silly! I’ve got something better. Strawberries, yay!
“I told you to put your jacket on.”
Not: For the last time, get your stupid jacket on!
But rather: Um, remember? I mentioned that little jacket thing a minute ago. Let’s try again.
“Buckle your seatbelt!”
Not: Quit squirming in your seat and focus, people! We need to go!
But rather: Alrighty, happy campers, let’s all buckle up for safety!
And guess what—it worked. My girls cooperated more readily, found fewer opportunities to buck me, and everyone hopped into the van, smiling and chatty, three minutes ahead of schedule.
Amazing.
I find it interesting that a few lines down the book of Proverbs, after the verse about gentle answers versus harsh words, shines this little gem:
“The eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good,” (Proverbs 15:3).
Do you ever wonder if you’d act different with Jesus in the room? Hey, I’d spiff up my behavior if the mailman stopped by. Imagine how far I’d go to tame my tongue for the Lord of the universe.
And that’s the kicker. He is in the room. His eyes are in my kitchen, when I’m mopping spilled juice. In my hallway, when I’m wrestling octopus arms into jackets. In my minivan, when the kids bicker over what carpool game to play. I Spy? Or rhyming words? I know, girls—let’s ask Jesus!
Thankfully, the Lord is full of grace. He loves me through my harsh words and do-over mornings. But I wonder—if I wouldn’t snap at Jesus to hurry and brush his teeth, why should my kids deserve less?
Put a little love in your voice. It’s Proverbs 15:1, paraphrased mom-style. Tonight, I’m expanding my practice to the bedtime routine. This will change my life, folks. I can hardly wait to get started.
Blessings,
Becky
Great reminder! I think we all struggle to keep our tongue in check and depending on the Holy Spirit to help us is the only way we will ever make any progress.
Megan
Amen, Megan!
{Melinda} Love this post. So true. I think sometimes it’s not WHAT we say, but HOW we say it. My teen daughter will sometimes say, “You’re using that tone! That tone that says you want to kill me but you’re holding yourself back!” Ouch. I remember that alot when I’m finding myself getting frustrated. And ask the Holy Spirit for help. 🙂
Don’t you love it when your kids call you on your stuff? Mine is doing it already and she’s only 6. It’s good for me. 🙂
I always love coming to your place, Becky. As usual, you’ve dipped up a great feast of humor and truth in one huge serving. I love how you played the reality response against the “loving” reaction. I think I do more of the former than the latter, but I am encouraged to follow your and Jesus’ lead today on this one and “put a little love in my voice” today! Hugs to you!
Hugs back, Beth! I always love to hear from you here!
Put a little love in your voice :). I’m going to have to use that one. With myself! Love your storytelling, Becky.
Thank you, Laura! You and I together…taking the wise advice. 🙂
Ouch! This is a good reminder for me and so beautifully written!
Thank you, Laura! Ouch for me, too. 🙂
You’re talking to me, aren’t you?
My kids are preteen and teen, and I still don’t remember to put love in my voice. I know I should, I know it works, but I don’t discipline MYSELF!
Oh, and I thought “brush-a-brush” was my own quirk! 🙂
Yes, Amy, I’m talking to you. And all the other moms who struggle just like we do. 🙂 Isn’t good to know we’re not alone!
Such GREAT advice! And yes, hard to do. One of the keys for me is pause. I think quickly, speak quickly, act quickly — but if I just stop to take a breath before speaking, it’s amazing how the edited sweet mom voice kicks in!
Slow to speak and quick to listen… yes, great trick, Laura! Pause is the key. And if we can pray in the pause, so much the better.
Love this
Thank you for reading. 🙂
SO needed this today! And yesterday! Had a couple bad days in a row and I know the kiddos are asking internally, “Where did Mama go? Who is this lady?”
THANK YOU. My goodness.
Oh, my girls ask, too. Only now they don’t internalize it anymore, they come right out and say it. “Mom, you’re turning into Monster Mom again.” Yikes. I’m grateful for kids who call me on my naughty behavior.
Much needed advice today! Thanks!
So glad it encouraged you!
I enjoyed this post even though I don’t have any little ones yet. This applies to any relationship… not just with kids. If I say, “I can’t believe you didn’t take out the trash yet,” or if I snap and say, “Take out the stupid trash already…” to my husband, I’m not being very loving or respectful. But most of the time, it’s not even so much what I say, but how I say it. I find it makes a huge difference in my marriage when I speak lovingly and gently when I make requests or when I’m trying to explain how my husband hurt my feelings by some action. Put a little love in your voice! Will definitely tuck that nugget of wisdom away.
So true, it applies to marriage just as well!
I found your blog through Becoming His Eve, and I have already read a few posts, this being the first. Seriously, thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you! I needed this, and God must have known and showed me the way. Thank you for being a rare, God-inspired gem of a woman who, through her blog, helps other moms.
Wow, what kind words, Dorothy, thank you. You’ve encouraged me today – and I hope I’ve done the same for you!
I can’t tell you how very relevant this is to me right now. It was a few months ago when I suddenly realized that my kids were overreacting to situations and yelling at each other because I had set that example in front of them. Sure, things were stressful at the time – but that is no excuse. The truth hit me when one day we were driving and a car passed us at a very high speed. “Jerk” my 6 year old daughter yelled. I was shocked. “Why did you say that? We have no idea why he might have been in a hurry. Maybe someone was sick. Maybe someone needed a doctor,” I chided her. “Oh, I thought that was what we called people who passed us. You did that yesterday.” 🙁 Out of the mouths of babes . . . It made me realize that my children are only going to learn how to respond to stressful situations by watching me respond to stressful situations. Kind words, sweet words, helpful words. Thanks for the reminder.