“Do you ever take it personally when your child acts up?” My friend’s question loosened the air in my chest.
“Yes!” I exhaled. “I feel that way all the time!”
Suddenly four women around the table nodded in agreement, relieved to find fellow moms who understand.
Make that four tired, intentional, perfectionist moms. Oh, how I need my friends. Confessions tumbled out of our mouths in solidarity.
I tell her to do one thing, and she does the opposite. What am I doing wrong?
She actually told me she hated me. A four-year-old! Hates me! Because I wouldn’t let her eat a cookie!
The way I see it, it’s my job to teach my kids to behave. So when they don’t, I feel like I’m—{gulp}—failing.
Ouch.
“Failure” is a strong word. It implies we’re incompetent, falling far short of expectations. But whose expectations, exactly?
I put tremendous pressure on myself to be a successful mom—a mom whose kids say please and thank you, eat more carrots than candy, comply with bedtime and never pick noses in public. So when my little charges behave out of line, I see it as a reflection of my parenting. A crack in my system. A failure to teach, train, and control.
Maybe it’s time to adjust my glasses.
“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away,” (Proverbs 22:15).
What does that verse say to you? I catch two distinct points.
(1) “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child.” Amen! Maybe my kids aren’t being naughty just to spite me. Foolishness is part of their condition. It’s normal. And yet, it’s not supposed to be permanent, because. . .
(2) “The rod of discipline will drive it far away.” That’s our part. As parents, we are called to correct the folly—to train our children up in the way they should go. Most moms I know pour their aching souls into the task. So when our hard work crumbles into tantrums and back-talk, it’s easy to point fingers at our performance.
But there’s a flaw in that thinking.
Our kids aren’t puppets; they’re people. They’re born with the same sin nature as ours, and the same free will to make their own decisions. We all know how well that works for us sometimes. Can we really expect more from our kids than we do from ourselves?
We can’t control their hearts.
We can only control our response.
When they sass, I’ll plop their bottoms in the naughty chair.
When they swat at each other, I’ll make them hold hands until they giggle.
When they shout I hate you, I’ll whisper I will always love you.
When they act like kids—foolish, naughty, selfish—I’ll remind myself, yes, that is indeed what they are. Kids. On a long journey to maturity.
They’re learning just like I am.
“I think I finally know how God feels.” My friend dug our discussion to the root. “I disobey him all the time. And he has a lot more patience with me than I do with my kids.”
Ah, so true. Let’s follow his lead, shall we? Next time the kids act up, try lavishing a God-sized dose of patience—on yourself.
You are not failing.
You’re simply being a mom.
Welcome to the table.
If this post encouraged you, please pass it on. You might also like Don’t Lie to Me, Birthday Musings From a Sappy Mom, I Should (Not) Do That, and How a Wiggles Movie Changed My Life.
Linking up with: The Better Mom, Playdates With God, Mommy Moments, The Mom Initiative, Titus 2sdays, Living Well Wednesdays, Grace at Home, and Things I Can’t Say.
Thanks, Becky! I’m honored to be at the table, even if I am floundering just like everyone else! 🙂
And I’m so glad you’re here. 🙂
Your writing is so full of vulnerability and humble wisdom, Becky. I just love coming here and soaking it all up! And I’m so glad you’re realizing this truth and sharing it with all the weary and guilt-ridden moms out there. Thanking God for you and for His grace for both of us, as messy, frail moms learning to love like Him. Hugs to you!
Hugs to you, too, Beth! Your encouragement is priceless to me, thank you!
I’m so glad I found you through Mommy Moments! I have been struggling with this exact thing the passed few months. Because of my degree in education I want to control my child’s behavior… afterall, that’s what’s expected of me in my teaching. that breaks my heart because instead of letting her be a child and explore I want to control her! I want her to be someone she’s not… slowly but surely I am relinquishing that control.
This is definitely what I needed to read today!
whitneycroy.blogspot.com
I can relate to that, Whitney. There’s a balance between shaping our kids’ behavior and nurturing the person God designed them to be. Sometimes what I perceive to be misbehavior might actually just be an expression of how they’re wired. “Don’t squash the creativity” – I remind myself all the time. I’m learning as I go. We’re on the journey together!
This is beautiful and poignant. My daughter is only 4 months old, but the day is soon nearing when I’ll have to discipline. I can only imagine how tough that’s going to be for me, and how I will feel just like every other mom you mentioned. I pray I can remember these wise words!
I found you from the Mommy Moments blog hop – I’m your newest follower!
Welcome, Emily!
I am so hard on myself, I think I fail so miserably everyday. I really needed this. You are so right- we are simply mothers. You are such a wonderful writer!
We are LOVING mothers, Ashley! That counts for a lot.
From a mom on the other side, my son is 37 and my daughter is 34 there will be times you will wonder if you can have any control over them. The truth is ‘no’ you cannot. You can have the illusion of control but just as God has given all of us a choice, our children get choice too. If they choose wrong, the consequences are theirs, not ours. Too many parents take on the fault or the feelings for their children. They choose, it is free will. We can pray, we can guide, we can encourage, but ultimately it is their choice. (and I never would allow them to say they hated me, that is just plain disrespectful…that isn’t a choice) from a mom and grandma of six in Oregon
Oh, I’ve only heard the “H” word once in my house, and not without repercussions. My daughter knew her mistake the second it slipped out of her mouth. It hurt her more than it hurt me. Like you said, we cannot control them. But we can love them. Thank you for your perspective!
I read something in Stephen Covey’s book, 7 Habits for Highly Effective Families, where he talked about parents basing their self esteem on what their children do. This was such an a-ha moment for me. That combined with watching all six of my kids come out completely different, even though I was trying to parent them in similar ways, made me realize that God made these children. He sent them to the earth already perfect. And so while I can’t take all the credit for how good my older ones are turning out, I also can’t take all the blame for when they make mistakes. They have their own will and desires and relationship with their Heavenly Father to cultivate. I can do my best, I can be consistent and do “everything right”(ha!) and in the end they will need Christ as much as I do. There is so much mommy guilt rolling off me some days, but I am trying to let go and realize that ultimately God is in control. Lovely blog by the way. I enjoy your “voice” and your perspective:)
Great thoughts, Amy. I’ve discovered my two girls are wired quite differently, too, and from the same genes with the same parenting approach. Like you said, God designed them – and it’s my job to nurture what he’s already built. Let’s unload that mommy guilt, yes? Thank you for reading!
Oh I needed this today. I am in the last two week stretch of finishing my masters degree and have two kids ages 8 and 4 and work full time. Today I feel like a top that someone wound way to tight. Thank you for this post. I’m so glad I stumbled upon your blog
Oh my heavens, you must need a vacation! Hold on – two weeks will pass and then I hope you have a day of lounging in your pajamas planned! Thanks for reading! I’m amazed you found the time, actually. 🙂
I do not look at myself as a failure when the kids act up. I look at myself as a parent who has yet to suceed.
I’m smiling, Wayne. The glass is half full. Point taken, my fellow parent-writer.
Wonderful, transparent truths, here. Thank you for sharing the wealth!
I had such a difficult time with this when our girls were young. I would be so embarrassed by their bad behavior, especially in public or at family gatherings. Your point about disobeying from your friend is well taken, as is the fact that we can only control our response. I found that once I started to stop stressing over what other folks thought, I was more relaxed and intentional about how I dealt with the girls when they made poor choices.
Kim, thank you for that thought. I, too, get worked up over what other people think of my girls’ behavior. Actually, they’re usually angels for everybody else. Mom here gets to see their special moods. 🙂 But I am also blessed to get to be the one to guide them through those.
WHOA! I totally needed to see this. It really touched my heart and so true. I think I will put this to practice today when I start feeling overwhelmed. Thank you for posting this!
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. Your comment blesses me! I hope you have a great mommy day!
That first point from this verse is one I need to hold close. I’m the grown up, right? You have such a wonderful, encouraging voice, my friend. Thank you for the ways you share.
Thank you, Laura. I, too, have held those words close this week. Just yesterday I was tempted to blame myself for not being able to capitalize on a teachable moment (tantrum) as well as I wanted to. But then I told myself, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child…this is normal, it’s part of being five…” and somehow it gave me the strength to persevere. Not without much sighing and frustration, of course. 🙂 But it does put my role back into perspective.
It is hard not to take it personally.But, really- they are JUST kids. They aren’t going to behave perfectly all the time. None of us can do that!
So true, Shell!
This is pretty inline with my post for today. We can only guide and prepare our kids. We can’t control them!
This is pretty inline with my post for today. We can only guide and prepare our kids. We can’t control them!
I wish I could remember they’re just kids. I always feel attacked, and usually it has nothing to do with me.
After an incredibly “unglued mama” day yesterday, I clicked on “mom mess-ups” while on your page….and oh how glad I am that I did!! I woke up exhausted and feeling guilty about spewing my moodiness on my three year old for being a three year old. This post (like all your others) was a Godsend!! I am not failing, we are learning and growing and will get through this! Thankful today for your words and wisdom. And hoping that this momma can learn the lessons she prays god will teach her…and that today, I can be more patient with myself and my kids (and that maybe all of us will spend less time in that naughty chair! 🙂
Thank you…you are a blessing.