My sixth-grader invented a candy bar. It’s called the Triple-Decker Choco Peanut Bar—a delightful layering of three types of chocolate with a smattering of peanuts and a gooey caramel coating, yum. The invention was an assignment for English class, and for extra credit the students were invited to not just write about their candy bar but actually produce it in the kitchen.
For real? There could not be an assignment more up my daughter’s alley.
So she spent half of Sunday melting and setting chocolate, figuring out the best strategy for spooning caramel, and packaging individual candy creations. Fun project, right?
Until it came upon 7 p.m. and she still hadn’t solved the candy wrapping issue. Her plans for dipping the entire bar in chocolate coating were dashed when she discovered warm chocolate would re-melt the caramel—not an option. Yet the caramel was too tacky for foil; it’d stick and create a mess for the consumer. So I stepped in with a couple suggestions to help her wrap up (literally) this assignment and get ready for bed.
That might’ve been my first mistake.
When my girl has a plan, she has a PLAN, and she does not like to stray. I know this about her. Had I been thinking with patience, I’d have given her a little time to come to her own conclusion about the need for a Plan B. Instead, I tried to rush her into accepting my idea {so we could clean up the kitchen disaster and be done for the night, thank you very much}. Of course this triggered frustration in her heart, and let’s just say my response was not as sweet as the mass of chocolate set before us.
That was definitely my second mistake.
I stepped aside for a few minutes to give my daughter time to mull over her options, and suddenly I remembered a story my friend Rachel shared with me for my upcoming book.
“My daughter waited until the last week to do her quarterly book report for school. And by that I mean she still had to finish reading the book, and then she was up until 10:15 putting the poster together the night before the deadline. That was way past her usual bedtime—and mine! With our packed schedule, I knew this was going to happen. This time, though, unlike previous reactions, I took a deep breath, asked how I could help, and we finished the project together. It was a little way I was able to show her I am on her side, even if she should have read earlier and planned better. Because honestly, who really cares about the book report? Her heart was more important at that moment. She will remember being encouraged and helped, rather than remembering her mom being frustrated with her.”
There’s a verse in the Bible that says, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). At that moment I believe the Holy Spirit brought to mind Rachel’s story in order to help me take captive my grumpy thoughts and attitude toward the candy bar project, and slap them back into obedience to Christ—who would never snap at my sixth-grader the way I do.
So, armed with a little wisdom from God, I was able inhale, blow a puff of air out my lips, and carry on with compassion and grace. Within five minutes my daughter reached a conclusion about the necessary next steps in her project—and she asked for my help.
Which I gave willingly, with a gentle spirit, an encouraging smile, and no “I told you so” in my heart.
My gorgeous girl… on a recent mom-daughter shopping trip.
As I was reflecting on this incident the next morning, it occurred to me. My mistakes were all about emotions. My redemption, on the other hand, was all about God and how He would have me handle the situation.
And I realized—the trick to switching from frustration to redemption is the ability to recognize our ugliness in the moment and make a conscious choice to turn it around. In other words, to take those thoughts captive for Christ.
It all boils down to this.
Do not react out of emotion. Instead, respond with wisdom.
As the mom, our kids need us to exist outside of their tumultuous emotions, so we can be the stabilizing force of reason they’re unable to conjure within themselves. In other words, we need to be the grown up. We can’t be a passenger on their crazy train. We must take control as the conductor, averting a crash.
This requires having wisdom stored up in our hearts so it can battle the inevitable ugliness that will try to park there—in other words, the emotions (anger, impatience, selfishness, etc.).
And how do we get wisdom?
“For the Lord grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity. He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him.” (Proverbs 2:6–8, NLT)
God is our only source of real wisdom. Which is why, once again, we need to be sticking our nose in His Word and keeping communication lines open with God hour by hour, so He can help us in our time of need.
“I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” (Psalm 119:11)
When we’re grumpy with our kids, snappish, barking and unkind, it’s usually because we’re parenting from a place of emotion. Even if the kids did something to trigger our crank, our response is still up to us. Emotions say, “blow up this instant.” Wisdom says, “in your anger do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26). The question is—which voice are we going to listen to?
Do not react out of emotion. Instead, respond with wisdom.
Our kids struggle enough with wacky emotions, especially as they head into their teen years. They can’t make sense of themselves. As the parents, we have an opportunity—an obligation, I’d say—to be the more mature person in the room. We can help guide and nurture our kids through whatever they’re facing simply by remaining steady and letting wisdom—rather than emotions—be our guide.
That approach will avert a lot of disasters, at the very least. And it might even create a happier, more peaceful home for everybody.
Sounds good to me, right?
Let’s try it.
Less emotion. More wisdom.
And a Triple-Decker Choco Peanut Bar for all.
Blessings,
Becky
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