I discovered a hard truth last week. I am THAT mom.
The Enabler.
Here’s how it hit me.
I parked the minivan in the school lot and twisted around to smile at my seven-year-old daughter. “Ready?”
“Yep! I’m ready, Mom.” She slid a bookmark into the paperback she’d been reading on the drive and unbuckled her seatbelt.
I cast a quick glance around the van. “Where’s your backpack?”
She jerked her head toward me, eyes wide, and sucked in a quick gasp of air. “Oh no!”
“You didn’t bring your backpack?!” I stared back at her with my eyebrows arched to the ceiling.
“I thought you had it, Momma!”
“But it’s YOUR backpack. You were supposed to carry it to the car!”
“Oops. Sorry, Mom. I forgot.”
{Sigh . . .} Of course she forgot. Because in that moment it occurred to me—I never taught her to remember in the first place.
I just do it for her.
Every morning, I pack a lunch and a snack and a water bottle for her desk. I check the daily schedule for timely supplies, such as piano books on lesson day, library returns on library day, and various office forms on any given day. Then I tuck it all neatly beneath her Jansport zipper and grab the backpack along with my purse as I head for the door, spouting one last plea to please brush your teeth and find your shoes.
Why do I do that?
Certainly not because I think my kids are irresponsible. They aren’t.
And it’s not because I’m eager to capitalize on every little opportunity to serve them, either. Let’s be honest. Sometimes I’d rather not.
The truth is, I usually choose to lug the backpack myself because I like to be in control. If I do it—the backpack hauling, gym shoes packing, schoolwork double-checking—then it gets done, and it gets done right. Which means I can effectively prevent oversights from inconveniencing my day.
Such as the now infamous MIA backpack.
“Mom, my lunch was in there! And my homework!” My daughter rattled her head, trying to shake off the sinking consequences of a day at school sans peanut butter sandwich and due-today worksheets.
If the backpack had been a clear expectation, I might’ve let her suffer natural consequences. So homework is a day late and she has to eat cafeteria chili for lunch, could be worse. But this wasn’t actually her fault—it was mine. My lack of teaching, my fear of relinquishing control. And I owed it to her to make it right, not just that day, but for the long-run.
“Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6).
“Sweetie, I realized I never told you it was your job to collect your backpack in the morning. So I will drive back home and bring your backpack to school before recess.” I wrapped my arm around her shoulder while we walked toward the building.
“Thanks, Mommy.”
“But!” I pointed my finger to the sky. “From now on, your backpack is your responsibility. I’ll help you make sure that everything you need for school is inside it, but it’s your job to carry it to the car. Deal?”
“I can do that, Mom.”
“I know you can.” And so can I.
I think.
The issue here is bigger than a backpack. It’s my overall dread of letting go. I need to give my children more responsibility—to empower them, and to encourage them as capable. That will not happen if I continue to do everything myself just because I don’t want to drive seven miles back home when one of them leaves the proverbial backpack behind.
Growing up means making mistakes.
So parenting involves allowing mistakes.
Just like God allows me to learn from mine.
Yep, Lord, I did it again. This little backpack thing? I get it. It’s more a lesson for mother than daughter. I’m just going to ask you one thing, God. On that inevitable day when my girl forgets her backpack on her own accord, please let it be pizza day in the cafeteria. Chili is a little harsh, don’t you think?
Blessings,
Becky
That is so hard, isn’t it?
Trying to teach children responsibility while also trying to protect them from the consequences of mistakes.
It’s just hard…a tough balance to find and maintain…
I agree, Joe. A tough balance. I pray over this often. Thanks for reading!
Hello, I’m a mom and an OLD enabler! ha! Yes, I’m just as guilty of this. I think it’s true that I worry about the inconvenience it will cause me if my kids forget things but I also think I let “guilt” impair my judgment as a mom. I don’t like asking my sons to do something that they might not like doing. BUT I’ve come to realize that I am cheating them of opportunities that give them a sense of responsibility and CONFIDENCE! Who wants to rob their children of that! I’m glad you are waking up to this early in your motherhood journey, Becky. It’s one I’m still trying to get a handle on but am making “imperfect progress.” 🙂
I definitely do not think you’re alone, Beth. Actually it makes me feel better to know there are moms of teens out there who still deal with this challenge. Three cheers for imperfect progress!
With my three, I’ve had to turn certain things over as their responsibility just because I don’t have enough hands! But there are times(like this morning) when I just wanted to do it all because I wanted us to get out the door. But I didn’t. It’s hard to find a balance.
Yep. Not enough hands… so now when I need the help, they kind of look at me like “whu??” because I usually do it all. We’re learning.
I try really hard to give my boys responsibility early on. My parents didn’t do that and it was a harsh reality when all the responsibility was mine!
Great point – they will be faced with responsibility one day or another, whether we’ve prepared them for it or not. As with so many other things, it’s best to equip them while they’re still under our influence and care.
You’re not the only guilty one. I do expect my kiddo to help out a lot, but then I turn around and do so many things for him that I shouldn’t still be doing! Oops!
Let’s face it. We ALL HAVE BEEN ENABLERS at one time or another! It’s one of those things we do because we LOVE OUR FAMILY AND CHILDREN SO MUCH! I say just step back and ask is this something they can easily do for themselves when I’m busy?
My step daughters mom was and still is a enabler and my step daughter is a adult at 30 yrs old. She doesn’t know how to take care of herself and when she try’s she usually fails and runs back to mom to bail herout or make excuses for her. It is always everyone else’s fault but hers and her mom does this also. Now her mom still does to much for her! She had got into drugs and her mom still enables her. She is always looking for a man who will take care of her and let’s be honest there aren’t many around, they are the ones who usually need taken care of. If you don’t start when they are young you get adults who are unable to do things for themselves and always expect someone to help them, we as parents are not going to always be there and god forbid we don’t make it until they are adults if we don’t start when they are youngs when we aren’t there they won’t be able to do things for themselves and we are setting them up to fail.
Thank you for this wakeup call. I read it and quickly asked my 17 yr old if I taught her how to do this and that. To some questions a yes, to others a no. When I asked Mr 13 & Miss 12 they both said “yes” to everything. I guess for my husband and I it is true. Our first child was the “test” child and as each child came along after her we eased slightly on the “enabling”. For this self-confessed OCD momma I still have a ways to go, but it is through helpful persons such as yourself that I am able to see my reflection in my parent-mirror and …. I love what you say about you (and me) and I appreciate that through reading your words I can laugh at myself and implement change. Thank you so much!! You are wonderful!!
Jay Jay, you bless me! Yes, we need to laugh at ourselves for sure. Conviction is so much easier to swallow when we have a sense of humor, don’t you think? Thanks for reading!!
I’m learning this little by little. I started with teaching my daughter that it was her responsibility to take her backpack and tennis bag (on days needed) to the car. Now we’ve built up to her being responsible for putting everything in it that she needs as well as taking it all to the car. I’m super hard for me too, because I am a control freak (SO HARD to admit that) and am definitely of the mindset of “I’ll do it myself so I know it’s done right”. It’s hard, but so important. Baby steps, for you and me. 🙂
Baby steps for sure, Stephanie! Thanks so much for reading!
This definitely is a struggle for me. My 8 year-old daughter has Spina Bifida and uses a wheelchair, so things are harder for her to do and take twice as long. I do things just to make life a little easier for her, but I know it’s not helping her in the long run at all. The mommy guilt can be suffocating!
April, don’t let that mommy guilt stifle you! God does not load us with guilt, but with grace. You love your daughter, and that is above all the most important thing. The rest, we learn as we go. Blessings to you!
My 10 yr old, only child, has been raised to be very independent, but in stages. I do expect her to do her homework, keep her bag organized, and pack it up, my only part is checking over any work she feels needs checking and signing off on her work. In the morning, I wake her up, but she gets ready herself and leaves for bus without any of my involvement. She hasn’t had any issues. We just started this morning routine this year, because I felt she was ready and should have a practice year of being mature before middle school began. Last year, I was involved with every part of the morning routine from choosing clothes, helping her get ready, brushing her hair, anything she was too tired or grumpy to do. What a huge change I’ve seen in her this year. She is more independent, confident, & outgoing. I am impressed that she is actually more organized than I am at some things. Her backpack is clean and she knows where every item is placed. We have added other repsonsibilities as well. I still havent been able to give up control of my clean, organized house and still obsess and help clean her room. I need to let it go. That’s next up. I think each child needs to be given independence in their own time. Mom knows best. Also, some of us are just flighty for life and will always forget stuff. Thank you for sharing. I love honest mommy blogs.
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts, Marisol! You will find nothing if not honesty here. That’s for sure! 🙂
What a great lesson for both moms and kids! Thank you so much for sharing this, Becky. God does allow us to make mistakes and grow, but it is so hard to show this same grace to our children.
I have a hint for you for the future when the ‘natural’ consequences are just too dire for you to make her bear. When she calls and asks you to bring her something, say, “What are you going to do for me when you get home?” My son would come up with surprisingly big things to do for me when I brought his trumpet for band 5 different times. He finally quit forgetting it by the second semester.