Becky Kopitzke

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Cut Me Some Slack, Little People

August 20, 2012

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets,” (Matthew 7:12).

Did you know the Golden Rule applies to parenting? This never really occurred to me—until my daughter broke the rule.

“Mom, you should NOT have done this!” My five-year-old stormed into the bathroom where I stood hooking silver hoops into my earlobes. She glared at me, her lips pursed and a fist perched on each hip.

“Pardon me?” I turned from the mirror to face her. “What exactly did I do?”

“You left the car door open all night!” she hissed. “Dad just went into the garage and saw it!”

Oh. I did? My brain rewound to the night before—a family dinner outing to Applebee’s. I recalled unloading two kids, two water cups, a bulky purse and a Styrofoam to-go box out of the minivan, so it’s entirely possible my juggling fingers forgot to push the button on the automatic sliding door. Sure, that sounds like something I would do.

“Well, I’m sorry. I’m human, and I make mistakes.” Annoyed, I held my accuser’s stare. “And I don’t appreciate your tone, young lady. How would you feel if I scolded you every time you made a mistake?”

Whoa. A sudden realization cut my lecture short. I do scold her for making mistakes. Darn.

There’s a difference between correcting and criticizing. We grown-ups know this. At work, in marriage, among close friends—accountability is healthy. But if somebody’s going to point out a weakness, I want them to be nice about it. Tell me the truth, of course, but please—do it with gentleness and respect.

“Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love,” (Ephesians 4:2, NLT).

I’ve failed my kids at this. I didn’t even realize it until my daughter dished out a taste of my own chiding. How many times have I reacted to harmless errors with impatience instead of grace? I’m ashamed of the examples. Can you relate to any of these?

Me: Who took the masking tape?
Daughter: I’m sorry, Mom. I used it for a craft, and I forgot to put it back in the junk drawer.
Me: No more masking tape for you.
What I wish I’d said: We can all be forgetful sometimes. I’ll help you look for it.

Me: Ouch! You stepped on my foot!
Daughter: I’m sorry, Mom. I was practicing my ballet.
Me: Can you dance somewhere else, please?
What I wish I’d said: The kitchen is too small for pirouettes. Let’s go in the playroom so you can show me your fancy moves.

Me: Okay, it’s time to add the cinnamon.
Daughter: Here it is, Mom!
Me: Aaack! You just poured cumin into our cookie batter! Now we have to start all over.
What I wish I’d said: Spicy cookies coming right up! {Insert crazy peals of laughter}

When my daughter harped on me for the car door blunder, I heard my ugly, perfectionist self in her sassy mouth. If I expect my kids to cut their poor mother some slack, then I must set the example first. More kindness. More forgiveness. More grace.

In other words, less me—and more Jesus. After all, how can any of us give grace unless we receive it from him first?

“So I left the van door open last night, huh?” I groveled to my husband.

“Yeah, no big deal.”

“Really? That’s not what the minivan police said.” I slipped him a sly grin. “But I’m glad you forgive me.”

“Of course.” He paused for a second and leaned in for the jab. “If the battery had died, though, then I’d be mad.”

Oh, how I love this family. Even when they scold me.

If this post encouraged you, please pass it on. You might also like The Mirror, Love Is Not Easily Angered, Learning Is Messy and The Witch. I Hate Her.

Congratulations to our Blog Birthday Week prize winners, Carrie Hansman Stier and Heather Windeler! Ladies, please send me an e-mail at rebeccakopitzke (at) gmail.com with your mailing address and prize preference: Jeanne Winters’ book, Inspirational Home, or an 8×10 print of your choice from her Etsy site, and Jeanne will ship it to you directly! Thanks to everyone who entered!

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Linking up with: The Better Mom, Playdates With God, Mommy Moments, Titus 2sdays, Domestically Divine Tuesday, Living Well Wednesdays, Grace at Home, Things I Can’t Say and Faithfully Parenting Fridays.

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Filed Under: Grace and Mercy, Growing Pains, Mom Mess-ups, Parenting, Raising Young Kids, Things I Learn from My Kids

Comments

  1. Mandy says

    August 20, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    What a wonderful post. I need this reminder, too. And you clearly have a fabulous husband:)

    • Becky says

      August 20, 2012 at 4:59 pm

      So true, I do. Praise God. Of course I frequently remind him he has a fabulous wife, too. Ha ha. 🙂

  2. Kathy says

    August 20, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    Very nice post…and YES, I am guilty of repeating the same scenarios too. I guess I have to get out of the ME thoughts. Some times I feel like I am the ONLY one trying to change the way they handle out bursts and certain conversations….like its always ME….then I get angry when others don’t try to change their out bursts too.

    Maybe I should just look at it as I can only change ME…and HOPE/PRAY that God can take care of THEM. 😉

    • Becky says

      August 20, 2012 at 4:53 pm

      I like to think that one follows the other. The more I work on me, the more my kids will catch on. Ideally. 🙂 Thanks for your thoughtful comments, Kathy!

  3. Stefanie Brown says

    August 20, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    (Visiting from Playdates with God)

    We have a saying in our home: “Speak truth in love”. This is something we are working on with our 9 year old. Every so often he shares his feelings or distaste with a “bite”. We are encouraging him to speak truth, but speak it in love, gently and softly.

    Thank you for your transparent post.

    • Becky says

      August 20, 2012 at 8:24 pm

      Thank you for visiting, Stefanie! Speaking truth in love, yes… that’s something I’m always working on in myself as well.

  4. Beth Romenesko says

    August 20, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    A few weeks ago I left the van door open & came to find a dead battery. Happy you were luckier than I was! Thanks for the reminder that we must be gentle when correcting. Had I been thinking this earlier today I might have had a smoother morning. We do the best we can, always room for improvement though:)

    • Becky says

      August 20, 2012 at 8:22 pm

      Oh now that is not even funny. We had the same space-out. I’m so sorry yours ended up with a dead battery. It could’ve been me, Beth! You’re right – we do our best and thank God for his grace when we’re at our worst.

  5. Kendra says

    August 20, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    Thanks so much for for your insightful and encouraging words. I just found your blog this summer and it has been a wonderful treat that I look forward to each week!

    • Becky says

      August 20, 2012 at 8:20 pm

      Thank you, Kendra! You just made my day.

  6. BeaumontGirl says

    August 20, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    Really love this post, it’s hard work this mommy thing!!!!!

    http://thebees3.blogspot.com/

    • Becky says

      August 20, 2012 at 8:22 pm

      Hard work indeed! But so worth it.

  7. Laura S. says

    August 20, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    Wow! Your post really hit a chord here. Thanks for the reminder to speak and teach in love. Beautifully written, as usual!

    • Becky says

      August 22, 2012 at 2:43 am

      Thank you, Laura! I always enjoy seeing you here.

  8. everydaymoments says

    August 21, 2012 at 11:56 am

    While I’m reading your post (which is spot on, btw) a little voice across the room reminds his little brother emphatically “do to others what you want them to do to you.” But apparently this is only true when you’re the one being offended. Hitting back seems to be perfectly acceptable. Hmm. I think I have some more training to do.

  9. Emily Cook says

    August 21, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    How would you feel if I scolded you every time you made a mistake?

    Um. Yep.
    Needed to hear this.
    Great post. Thank you for the encouragement today!
    (God, help me be kind to my children as You are to me!)

    Emily
    http://www.weakandloved.com

  10. Lori says

    August 21, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    I appreciated your humor even while “scolding” us for scolding 🙂 Obviously you got it right. Point well taken and well stated. Visiting from Be Not Weary today, and glad I did.

  11. Rebecca Rider says

    August 21, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Great post! This is so good to remember – I can be perfectionistic too, and my son is still too little to scold, but when he gets older, this will be good to remember.

    New follower from Domestically Divine linky!

    • Becky says

      August 22, 2012 at 2:42 am

      Welcome, Rebecca! Thanks for following!

  12. Mary Beth says

    August 21, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    Such a good reminder. I struggle with perfectionism and really don’t want to put that pressure on my kids, too!

  13. Erica {let why lead} says

    August 21, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    This was an eye-opener for me, and I am inspired to give more grace and understanding to my boys. Thanks, Becky!

  14. Shell says

    August 22, 2012 at 2:39 am

    This is so true. I do tend to get on my kids for every little thing- when really, we all make mistakes. And we can learn to show more grace.

  15. Paula Hicks says

    August 22, 2012 at 3:01 am

    I am so glad I am not the only one who uses “No more ____ for you!” My patience for my children varies hour to hour I swear! This is one of many things I have failed at catching myself before the frustration has already pushed words out of my mouth. I can see where my youngest son gets his impatience from every time he gets fed up with his older brother. Showing grace is going to be one of my goals this month. I am visiting through Mommy Moments Link Party. Come visit and follow back at ourlittlebig.blogspot.com

  16. Wayne W Smith says

    August 22, 2012 at 10:09 am

    It is hard to remember that it is all about construction and not destruction. How do we create an environment where it is about positive growth? A simple idea that is very difficult to carry out.

  17. Jackie says

    August 22, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    Reading this I can totally put myself in those different scenarios that you wrote out… I to am guilty of it. I think this has brought to light the things that I need to change.

  18. Beth says

    August 22, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    “Out of the mouth of babes!” I think, as parents, we learn as much from our kids as our kids do from us. Thanks for sharing this very vulnerable teachable moment, Becky!

  19. RJ says

    August 22, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    Bless the teachings that come from your words! This is a heaping helping of conviction for my soul.

  20. Laura Boggess says

    August 22, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    Ouch. This one really hits home. Thanks for this gentle reminder. I think I need to listen to myself better. And apply that Golden Rule.

  21. Melissa Ryan says

    August 22, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    This one is so true. I really need to word my constructive advice and directions to my son in a way that is positive and can be used more to teach than to discipline. Thanks for reminding me of this.

    http://www.adventureswithcaptaindestructo.com

  22. Michelle says

    August 22, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    I am SO guilty of this! Thanks for the reminder to keep striving for gentleness!
    Michelle
    http://normalchaosforamultitaskmom.blogspot.com/2012/08/readyget-setschoolwhether-i-like-it-or.html

  23. Jessica-MomForHim says

    August 23, 2012 at 1:52 am

    God’s working on me here….

    Yesterday I read Ann Voskamp’s post: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/08/how-to-handle-parent-temper-tantrums/
    where she says, “self-preach before child-teach…who can bring peace unless they’ve held their own peace?” Yes.

    Then last night our family devos were about the Golden Rule, and one of the examples given was mom realizing that instead of interrupting the kids’ game of checkers to tell them to put away their laundry, she could wait a few minutes until they were done. Point taken.

    Then today I read your post. Well said. I get the picture! 😉

    • Becky says

      August 23, 2012 at 1:50 pm

      Don’t you love it when God hits us over the head with a theme? It’s great to see you here, Jessica!

  24. Adrienne says

    August 23, 2012 at 10:10 am

    If I only had a rewind button! It’s so hard to have this kind of self control over our mouth. Thanks for a great post!

    • Becky says

      August 23, 2012 at 1:51 pm

      I would wear out my rewind button if I had one!

  25. Lisa says

    August 23, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Oh you nailed it! Thanks for offering this post and giving me a stern warning so early in the day … a day in which I know I’ll get to practice your words of wisdom!

  26. Richella says

    August 23, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    Glad that battery hadn’t died! But what a great lesson you learned from this–and shared with us! Thank you so much!

  27. LoriDarlin' says

    August 23, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog. I would get the Golden Rule, the fruits of the Spirit all tattooed on me if I thought it’d truly help me to remember I am raising PEOPLE. They’re just little people right now, learning and absorbing and IMITATING. I love when I see parents that get this and take the time to TEACH their children. It takes more effort, more parenting skills and more maturity to truly RAISE a child up…it’s exhausting, but SO worth it. Thank you for this post of encouragement and a reminder!

  28. Jamie says

    August 25, 2012 at 6:35 am

    Loved this post, and a good reminder for us to look at how we treat others around us.

  29. Donna McMorrow says

    August 26, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Love this gentle reminder. Thank you for sharing.

  30. Love Is A Verb - an action says

    August 28, 2012 at 2:53 am

    WOW!!! That same attitude & reflection happening here. As my daughters grow, they’re mirroring my scolding them, and I have been working on how to deal with my reactions to them. I’m thankful I read this – I love that I’m not alone. Thank you for posting this.

  31. Michy (lovingourjourney.com) says

    August 28, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Great post again….j is just starting to show me how much I need to change my behavior and tone–especially in how he treats our dog….blessings-thans for linking up!

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Meet Becky.

If you love your kids but you sometimes forget to feed them lunch, if you're crazy about your husband but some days you want to set his hunting gear on fire, and if you adore Jesus with your whole heart yet you mess up time and time again, then you and I are friends already.

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